Dream Walker by Liz
Query:
Dear (Agent or Publisher),
(: Personal factoid with a hint of admiration :) I am seeking representation for Dream Walker, a completed 70,000 word science fiction novel for young adult readers. Without delay, I will hand the reigns off to a sixteen-year-old named Suri, who is determined that even my query be told in her own narrative.
The dreams I have are not my own.
Every time I fall asleep, I find myself in a dimly lit hallway with nothing but a piece of chalk and endless doors to keep me company. Behind each door is a person I know, and should I decide to open one, I can leave my hallway in hopes that their dream is more interesting.
I choose a door I have never been in before and identify the dreamer as Taylor, the quiet guy who sits in the back of the classroom during second period. I enter his dream, expecting to see him fantasizing about his latest crush, or scoring the winning touch down, but his dream isn't about him. He is dreaming about three men dragging me out of my house and throwing me in the back of an unmarked van. He then does something that no one else ever has; he turns to me, and tells me to run.
When I wake, my heart is pounding and tears are streaming down my face. "It's just a dream," I tell myself. Still anxious, I climb out of bed, with plans to check the locks. As my feet touch the carpet, I hear the sound of heavy tires pulling into the driveway.
Taylor's dreamscape has become my reality.
Dream Walker appeals to adult crossover readers as well as young adults, especially in the science fiction and fantasy genres. While it can be a standalone novel, I have already outlined the next book in the Dreamscape Series.
Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to your response.
(Contact information)
Redline:
Dear (Agent or Publisher),
(: Personal factoid with a hint of admiration
:)[as a general rule, I tend to feel that the personal factoids and hints of admiration aren’t necessary. Let your novel and your writing speak for itself.] I am seeking representation for Dream Walker, a completed 70,000 word science fiction novel for young adult readers.
[I would rewrite this as: Dream Walker, my YA science fiction novel is complete at 70,000 words. It’s simpler and with this housekeeping, simpler is almost always better. Also, a lot of agents want this at the end of your pitch – some would rather have it at the front. All in all, I think it comes down to personal preference for the writer.] Without delay, I will hand the reigns off to a sixteen-year-old named Suri, who is determined that even my query be told in her own narrative.
[I don’t like the way you introduce the MC and the fact that the book is in first person. Writing a query in first person isn’t something I would personally recommend. It works occasionally – you can see a query that landed an agent for Miranda Kenneally’s Novel (recently retitled Chasing Jordan) – I think that one of the major things holding you back is this introduction.]
The dreams I have are not my own.
[I get you’re trying to use this as a hook, but I don’t think this works. It’s just too disconnected.]
Every time I fall asleep, I find myself in a dimly lit hallway with nothing but a piece of chalk and endless doors to keep me company.
[Because you don’t clue us in to what he chalk is about, I’d drop it.] Behind each door is a person I know, and should I decide to open one, I can leave my hallway in hopes that their dream is more interesting.
[This is kind of blah. It needs strength and a reason for us to care about what’s behind those doors!]
I choose a door I have never been in before and identify the dreamer as Taylor,
[This seems really clinical, give it some life] the quiet guy who sits in the back of the classroom during second period
[I’d say what class this is helps remind the reader she’s in highschool, but second period is a bit to generic]. I enter his dream, expecting to see him fantasizing about his latest crush, or scoring the winning touch down
[one word], but his dream isn't about him
[I like the detail you give to this sentence, but I think you could start and end it a little more succinctly]. He is dreaming about three men dragging me out of my house and throwing me in the back of an unmarked van
[You need to liven these up a bit. There’s no real emotion here, nothing to make us care.]. He then does something that no one else ever has; he turns to me, and tells me to run.
When I wake, my heart is pounding and tears are streaming down my face.
[This seems out of place with the lack of emotion in the last chapter.] "It's just a dream," I tell myself.
[If you want to keep this, I’d rework it so it’s not actual dialog.] Still anxious
[this needs to be a stronger word – “freaked” maybe?], I climb out of bed, with plans to check the locks. As my feet touch the carpet, I hear the sound of heavy tires pulling into the driveway.
Taylor's dreamscape has become my reality.
[Check the notes below, I took a shot at rewriting this one for you.]
Dream Walker appeals to adult crossover readers as well as young adults, especially in the science fiction and fantasy genres.
[I’d toss this. It’s like telling an agent your novel is funny. In the long run, you want the agent to come to this conclusion on their own because of your writing.] While it can be a standalone novel, I have already outlined the next book in the Dreamscape Series.
[This I would put with the rest of your housekeeping – whether you move the WC down here, or this to the top – and I would make the statement stronger: Dream walker is a standalone novel with the potential to branch out into a series.]
Thank you for your time and consideration. A full manuscript is available upon request.
[This can be tossed. If you’re querying and you’ve already said the novel is complete, they know the full is available] I look forward to your response.
[I always say: I hope to hear from you soon – or something to that effect, because there are so many “no response means no” agents out there anymore that I feel like stating that you’re expecting a response can come off looking a little unprofessional.]
(Contact information)
Notes:
I don't normally do this, but in your case I took a moment to rewrite the pitch paragraph. The things in parentheses are things I guessed at and you'll probably have to change if you decide to incorporate some or any of my suggestions in.
My name is Suri (last name) and for sixteen years a dreamless sleep is all I’ve ever wanted.
Each night when I fall asleep, my dreams take me to a place so familiar I could tell you (the number of holes in the acoustical tiles). The hallway in my dreams is an unending vein of doors. Each door holds the dreams of someone I know, each time I open one, (I wish I hadn’t.)
When I choose a new door, I’m pulled into Taylor’s dreams. The quiet boy from my (algebra class) isn’t fantasizing about his latest crush, or winning the state championship by scoring the impossible touchdown. This dream isn’t about Taylor. We’re on my street, in front of my house, an unmarked van skids (noiselessly) to a halt. Three men burst through my door and drag me out, (my mouth open in a silent scream). As I watch my abduction next to him, Taylor does something I never expected. No one has ever been able to see me in one of their dreams, but Taylor is different. He turns to me and tells me to run.
Shocked back to consciousness by Taylor’s words, my heart is pounding in my ears. That doesn’t drown out the sound of heavy tires pulling into the driveway. My fingers split the blinds and I see that Taylor’s dreamscape has become my reality.
I hope this helped!
Thanks for sending me your query.
